Metal Fiesta 3 Christmas Special

Partyboy: Due to popular demand, Drunk on Drugs Report’s are back!!!

Hugh Dick: One girl asked you to do it, pussy ass bitch!

PB: No seriously, others have expressed their desire in MORE Drunk on Drugs reports.

Apparently, the number of people who read is not at all proportional to amount of likes and shares on facebook.

HD: Yeah, that means people read, its shitty and they ignore it. I don’t see your point.

PB: The point is, the show must go on!

HD: Why can’t we stick to making memes? Please bro.

PB: Because our photoshop skills are subpar.

HD: I know my way around MS Paint you bitch!

PB: Anyway, we’re derailing already. METAL FIESTA 3 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL MOTHERFUCKERS!

HD: Starting with cancellations! FUCK YEAH!

PB: Why can’t you be more optimistic?

HD: That’s your job pussy lips.

PB: So, the stars did not align for “Divine Ruin” to open the show. While on their way to the Party, their car had some major issues, leaving them stranded by the road with only the option of returning home.

HD: So naturally, we hired a bunch of hobos to fill in!

PB: Fortunately, the second act has projects out the ass, so they filled the gap with “Antinomia”. Instead of Trash Death, we got served some fastcore grind punk shit that tasted wildly delicious.

HD: Then we cut the product and sent them out to the stage again!

PB: Yes, “Aischrolatry” followed with a much more rotten, filthy, gurgling sound. As the show progressed, members of Antinomia joined in and they switched instruments, a truly insane spectacle that was too short and too sweet for this world. I feel bad for anyone who missed.

HD: Me too, but mostly because they didn’t die in the show. 

PB: The opening bands almost had 30 minutes of playtime between them. Don’t blame us! They had the time, just not enough material.

HD: Fucking good.

PB: After the grindcore beatdown, it was time to slow down and relax a bit. Let the sores on your aching body settle and bruise your neck instead. 

“Soulf of Anubis” hit the stage with one of the best doom performances in Metal Fiesta history.

HD: You need to stop with this Doom nonsense. The only DOOM I know is the video game.

PB: I couldn’t care less about your opinions Dick, I love doom, I bring doom. Soul of Anubis was an excellent choice. Props to the drummer from Burney Relief for pointing us in their direction. Good in the stage, in the studio and probably in the sack as well.

HD: That’s gay.

PB: Finally, our Christmas gift to the masses had come.

HD: Still re-hashing bands you saw at SWR years ago?

PB: Quiet Dick! After being away for too long, Galician OSDM menage “Bokluk” returned to Portugal and murdered everyone right in the fucking ear holes!

HD: Pff, it’s not even real Bokluk, didn’t the guy from Nashgul sing in this band? Where is he? Hard pass.

PB: Bokluk absolutely destroyed the stage and everyone standing near it, as well as the people in the rear. You can say that this is the kind of band that has no trouble reaching the back of the pussy and giving the audience the brutal sonic orgasm they craved for Christmas. 

What a magical evening, unlikely to repeat anytime soon.

HD: Dude, they played yesterday at Porto Death Fest because your lazy ass keeps delaying the reports.

PB: What??! I mean… OF COURSE! The show was so fucking good, people immediately want Bokluk to come back. Several people informed us that Bokluk was THE Death Metal show of the year, we’re glad we hosted this shit.

HD: It’s called ass kissing you dunce, did you notice them asking for free drinks after that?

PB: Then came our after-party…

HD: Oh! You mean CVLTO? Those [redacted] ?

PB: Yes, CVLTO’s head honcho threw the first ever after-party in the history of Metalpoint… WITH SYNTHWAVE!!!

HD: Someone should shoot you for this, you know that right?

PB: Lick my balls Dick! With the bar open and Perturbator, Lazerpunk, Tonebox and other awesome shit playing in the background, the after-party was exquisite.

HD: Not a lot of people though…

PB: Yeah, after parties at Metalpoint are like the Spanish inquisition, nobody is expecting them.

HD: I really hope this shitty report gets so few likes that you decide to go into hibernation again.

PB: For now, Metal Fiesta slumbers BUT… we do have plans my friends.

HD: Drinking whiskey is my plan, you do whatever you want.

PB: Thank y’all motherfuckers for showing up and supporting Drunk on Drugs, as well as the quality bands we bring to you. Stay tuned for more, we will be back in April, hosting the official Warm-Up party for the one and only, SWR BARROSELAS!

Come open theGates to SWRwith us!

 

Text Partyboy and Hugh Dick

Pics on FB by Diogo Azevedo

 

Metal Fiesta II Reloaded – Metalpoint

Partyboy: Can you hear them…? The deadly maracas, playing in the distance?

METAL FIESTA RETURNS!!!

Reloaded and ready to fire the best of music up your earholes.

Hugh Dick: And get me beer money.

PB: We won’t elongate ourselves too much because tooting our own horn is getting old.

HD: It got old the first time you did it.

PB: Once more, duct tape ensured everyone was up front during the first band, not that London based stoner rockers “Madmess” would need it.

HD: Don’t even remember how I insulted them to be honest.

PB: Fiesta Reloaded started smoothly, packed venue, groovy tasty as fuck riffs and alcohol flowing for everyone.

HD: The gummy bears were all stuck together. 

PB: Yes…we should definitely not have reduced the alcohol levels on the gummy bears, especially because of the unicorns.

HD: How bout that alcohol free watermelon?

PB: It had a bottle of rum and a half in there! The watermelon was just fucking big.

Anyway, “Madmess” started the party properly, you could smell weed and LSD just by looking at them. 

HD: For hippies they didn’t stink too much, but then again I literally saw 5 seconds of the show.

PB: It looked great from the bar! They’re shirts were off after it was over so it must have been good.

HD: Yeah, because it was very chilly inside Metalpoint. Right?

PB: The next band gave the giant middle finger to Hugh Dick.

HD: They did?

PB: “HvMvCvDv” didn’t wait for Dick to introduce them to the audience, they just immediately went into grindcore mode and people started flying all over the place.

HD: Oh! I was taking a shit.

PB: The first show we saw of them, right here in Metalpoint, PALED absurdly in comparison! I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that Metalpoint turned into a miniature Obscene Extreme during those moments. 

HD: He’s totally exaggerating.

PB: Pure and relentless musical violence of the most disgusting quality that Galicia has to offer. Blew my freaking mind dude!

HD: Joke’s on them, no one will ever know how to pronounce their name.

PB: It’s “ HOMICIDA”, you jerkbag.

HD: I’ll say this, way better than the garbage that followed.

PB: After the Spaniards exemplified how murdered everyone would be by the end of the evening, it was time to chill for a while and light up a big ole blunt to the sounds of local monkey boys “Orangotango”.

HD: The halftime show was a trainwreck, I’ve never felt more surrounded by idiots in my life. One of them turned into a different idiot.

PB: Yes, maybe next year it will be better. But Dick, you actually called our next band soulless ginger monkeys to the face. 

HD: Wanna see me do it again?

PB: No, that’s alright. “Orangotango” continued the chill ambiance started by Madmess and the dopamine started oozing all over the audience…along with Dragon Piss and Death Watermelon. It was a great show, even if you take into consideration all the…

HD: Man, you better not book any fucking stoner bands next time.

PB: …even if you take into consideration all the kvlt Metalheads complaining about the stoner bands.

I told you Dick, you can’t have the same fucking thing for lunch every day of the week. Sometimes you gotta eat something else.

HD: I’ll eat your fucking balls deep fried with a salad.

PB: Closing our second Fiesta was the job of a long lost treasure from SWR’s 20th birthday Party. 

HD: Should have stayed lost.

PB: SWR has a history of criminally underrated bands playing the third stage at unfavourable times of the day. This of course is not SWR’s fault…

HD: The fuck it isn’t! Those cu…

PB: It’s the audience’s fault.

HD: Ok, then…

PB: “La Hija del Carroñero” played their first show in two years and what a fucking show it was! Rarely is such violence displayed at Metalpoint and once more, spanish grindcore proves its fearsome mettle to a crowd of drunken portuguese retards.

HD: Are you going to talk about the alcohol running out?

PB: Who cares?! It’s the last band, if people drink more they will surely die.

HD: NO ONE CARES! We all want to die. We need more booze next time you dumb fuck.

PB: Fine! More booze next time, can I wrap this up?

HD: You were finished already.

PB: I was?

HD: Yes! So long motherfuckers, see you on the next fiesta (actually took so long to release this shit, the next fiesta was three weeks ago). Don’t expect reports anytime soon, we have better shit to do now.

PB: But…

HD: Nope, I’m done writing this garbage nobody reads, you self jerking cunt bag. We have bands to insult in the face now…and you shall bring them to me.

PB: Fine… to be honest guys, it’s been rough releasing these reports. We’re going to focus our efforts on the party aspect and leave the reading and writing for others. 

It’s time for Drunk on Drugs to level up, we know there are at least 5 people who will read this, but the people who were there will never forget. Even if they never read this shit.

HD: Goodbye CUNTS! See you at the bottom of the bottle.

 

 

Texts by gullible loveable Partyboy

In co-op with cunt alcoholic asshole Hugh Dick (currently banned from Facebook)

CVLTO BIRTHDAY BASH – FERRO

CVLTO is back, celebrating two years…

Hugh Dick: Seriously? Wtf?

Partyboy: Yes, our Partners threw a celebration for their anniversary at a brand new bar we’ve never even heard about!

HD: Sacrilege! Who is hiding bars from me?

PB: The aptly named Ferro Bar lies up the street from Barracuda and has a lot more space to stretch your legs.

HD: We gonna talk about how the beer ran out?

PB: What? No, we’re gonna talk about the bands and general ambiance of this new drinking hole. Also, the beer didn’t ran out.

HD: Whatever, the non-shitty beer ran out.

PB: CVLTO’s sunday matinee started with some nice chill stoner from “Sun Mammuth”.

HD: Really? You’re gonna make me do this?

PB: What?

HD: *Sigh*… Mammoth Grinder, Ufomammut, Mammoth Storm, Acid Mammoth, Mammoth Grove, Desert Mammoth, Stone Age Mammoth…

PB: Wait..

HD: Motor Mammoth, Mammothwing, Grand Mammoth, Holy Mammoth..

PB: But…

HD: Mammoth Weed Wizard Bastard..

PB: Ok, that last one you made up.

HD: It’s in your 2017 top 10 you dingus.

PB: Doesn’t matter! These three Mammoth motherfuckers had a great sound that kicked off the celebration smoothly.

HD: Could have kicked me off a fucking cliff.

PB: They even laid down a Kyuss cover of “Gardenia” that sounded awesome.

HD: Oh, the vocals, those terrible, awful vocals. Garcia would kill himself.

PB: The stage area itself is a million times better than barracuda with a lot more capacity for partying.

HD: Still smaller than Metalpoint though.

PB: This means that there is hope for partying in this Lemmy forsaken town. Paving over that mural at Fundo do Poço and the Franken Lemmy at Cave 45 was a dick move.

HD: Don’t blame me, I also enjoy excessive drinking.

PB: Next show was a sexy and familiar sound to us, “Heavy Cross of Flowers”.

HD: So close to being the Heavy Cross of Mammoths.

PB: Their show was…eh…

HD: What?

PB: Well…it was…tunes and stuff…

HD: You missed it?!

PB: Maybe…

HD: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Quite a DICK MOVE Partyboy, wouldn’t you say buddy?

PB: Fine! Yes, I missed it but I’m sure it was awesome, this band never disappointed the last three or four times I saw them. I am pissed that I missed them.

HD: It was very…flower power.

PB: Anyway, moving on…

HD: That means it was gay as shit.

PB: Closing CVLTO’s successful birthday Party… was alchemy rock band from down south, “Fuzzil”.

HD: Alchemy? What the fuck are you saying?

PB: A great and energetic show, perfect to celebrate CVLTO’s birthday.

HD: Their label is Raging Planet? Oh god no!

PB: Fuzzil do wisely by not binding themselves down with silly labels such as stoner or other heavy or not heavy shit. By doing so, they free themselves from the shackles of “we’re this band that plays this particular shit”, none of that.

HD: So when do they drop their rap mixtape? One of them was black, I’m sure he has one somewhere.

PB: Don’t be racist Dick. Fuzzil played an amazing and diversified show, so many different sounds working well together.

HD: Sounds more like you don’t remember what the fuck happened or you have nothing to say so you just made shit up. Those vocals were beyond atrocious, especially when they did it together.

PB: Well I liked it and the people liked it! So you suffer alone Dick, once again.

HD: My testicles are cold suddenly.

PB: I have to say, the DJ afterwards was…uh…

HD: Complete garbage? Yes, quite.

PB: No, not that, it was just…you know, not doing anything for me in particular.

HD: Yes, utter trash is what you mean.

PB: Can’t you ever be a little tactful?

HD: Needs work…

PB: Better.

HD: …by work I mean expensive plastic surgery.

PB: That’s it for today friends! I hope you remembered to SAVE your ticket from this event since our Partners have some raffle planned for their next party on December 28th and you will need that ticket to participate.

HD: I lost them.

PB: You what?? For fucks sake, guys, we don’t have any info on this but hold on to your tickets. We’ll see you next time, maybe.

 

Text by Partyboy and Hugh Dick